When Students Become Attached: Emotional Boundaries in Yoga Teaching

Have you ever felt that a student has become overly attached or dependant on you?

As yoga teachers we can play a significant role in people lives and it is something we need to be mindful of in our all our teaching, and even more so when working with people who are going through serious illness and significant life changes. We need to strike that balance of being warm, approachable and compassionate but also encouraging students to be independent and have agency in their practise. We need to be nurturing to some extent but also making sure we don’t self-sacrifice in the process.

It’s a question of balancing our students needs with our own and it all comes down to our professional boundaries!

Some people may argue that it is unprofessional to have any attachment between a yoga teacher and student. I would disagree – we are human and part of the value of coming to a yoga class is the human relationships and connection we gain there. We don’t want to be cold and distant, but we also want to hold suitable boundaries too.

So the question becomes, what does a healthy attachment look like in a yoga class?

When we look at it from the students side, there is of course a risk that they can become overly attached to us. This can happen in any class but there is a higher tendency in situations where people are going through serious difficulties and may be looking for a raft of safety to cling on to.

Coming to a yoga class and doing the practise does make people feel better – we see that every week in our work. However, there can be an mistake that some students make in connecting how they feel in a class to the teacher themselves. Rather than understanding that it is their practise that is helping them feel grounded, calmer, stronger more capable and happier, they can feel it is the teacher that makes them feel that way.

It may be that we are unknowingly fulfilling a need they have. Our non-judgemental welcoming approach, seeing the student as a whole person, paying attention to their needs – all this can make someone feel special and seen in a way they are not outside of class and in they may develop more personal feelings towards us or interpret this has having meaning beyond a teacher student relationship.

Again it’s not that we have don’t anything wrong - that this can be a  natural human response to form attachment or make stories about people we feel good around. Ideally with self-awareness people recognise it for what it is, but sometimes a student mistake those feelings as reflecting something in the relationship that isn’t really there.

So how might this look in class?

As a good teacher we might help someone discover new skills and they realise:

·       “I can breathe when I'm frightened.”

·       “I can move my body when it feels alien to me.”

·       “I have somewhere I can come and feel safe.”

·       “I have some tools that help me manage difficult days.”

All of these are wonderful benefits of yoga and support people through a difficult time. This is where the student recognises their own agency. The more unhealthy version becomes when a student thinks:

·       “I can only feel safe when you are here.”

·       “I need you to make me feel better.”

·       “You are the person who understands me.”

·       “I can't cope without you.”

These could be signs that the relationship is becoming overly dependent on the teacher for the student's sense of safety and wellbeing.

The next thing we need to look at is our own boundaries, needs and behaviour – this is the other side of attachment. There can be ways that we might unconsciously or subtly lead a student to be dependent on us. This is not a conscious choice usually but can come from the desire to help and the joy of seeing how people are positively impacted by our work.

If we are honest with ourselves, being needed can feel good. Particularly when you're working with people with cancer, there can be an enormous emotional reward in knowing that your class matters to someone. If a student says, “You have changed my life,” or “I don't know what I would have done without this class,” and it's very easy to receive that as validation that we're doing something worthwhile.

The risk is that sometimes we may unconsciously start to need to be needed or get dependant on the validation. That doesn't make us bad teachers; again it's a human response – we just need to maintain our self-awareness. What you need to look out for is if you notice if you're thinking something like:

·       “They won't manage without me.”

·       “I have to be there for them.”

·       “Nobody else understands this student like I do.”

·       “I can't let them down.”

·       “Its my job to make them feel better”

·       “I am the person who makes them feel safe.”

These kind of thoughts place us at the centre of the students experience and diminishes their agency in their own wellbeing. It can also lead us into exceeding our boundaries in ways that are harmful to us such as feeling the need to always be available when they want our help, giving extra time for free, not charging properly or taking on tasks that are not our role as yoga teachers.

So there are two sides to attachment - a student can become attached to the teacher, and the teacher can become attached to being important to the student.

The healthier version of those thoughts would be something like:

·       “I ‘m glad the support I offer helps them feel more able to cope with everything.”

·       “I want to be there for them within the role I have as their yoga teacher.”

·       “I may understand something about their experience, but I'm one part of their wider support network.”

·       “I want to be reliable and supportive, but I can't be responsible for meeting all of their needs.”

·       “I can create the conditions in which they may feel better, but I can't control how they feel.”

·       “I can create a space where they can experience safety and gradually discover their own resources for finding it.”

These kinds of thoughts recognise the value we bring but keep the agency with the student. It draws a boundary around what we are responsible for and what we can control and the things that fall outside of that. Boundaries keep us free to be great teachers without taking on the burden of trying to fix everything for someone and reminds students of their own power.

What can we do to encourage healthy attachment and respond when boundaries start to blur?

Sometimes despite our best efforts and well held boundaries, students will still hand their power to a teacher. Our job is to gently hand it back!

Here are some practical tips you can bring into our teaching practise:

Teaching cues: One of the things we can do is shift our teaching cues to ones that empower our students to make their own choices and decisions. This way they are not passively following instructions but feeling for themselves what is safe, appropriate, enough.

Reframing: When a student says something like “you always make me feel better” we can carefully reframe it by reminding the student that they are the ones doing the work that changes how they feel, we are simply holding space and guiding so they can do it themselves.

Independent practise: Where appropriate, we can also encourage them to have some practise at home so they can experience the  transformation of yoga by themselves and realise it is not only when they are with their teacher.

Wider support: We cannot be somebody’s entire support network, not should we try to be. We could encourage people to speak to friends and family or support or signpost them to other services.

Manage expectations: You could clarify some boundaries by sometimes saying no! This doesn’t need to be cold but for example if someone wanted to chat (again) after class it could be a simple “I’m sorry I have to head off right away today, but you can email me any questions and we can discuss next week in class.”

Uphold policies: If someone is late to class or is behind in payment we are allowed to remind people of our policies. If a student is trying to get a closer relationship and is asking more personal questions we don’t have to  answer them. Avoiding giving someone special treatment reinforces the concept that they are equal to all the other students.

Self-practise: We need to regularly work on our own wellbeing and personal development so that we maintain a good level of self-awareness so we can spot when our own attachment issues may be surfacing.

Mentoring: It really is too much for us to try and do everything in our business and develop as a teacher without some professional support. It may be you work in an organisation where you have some colleagues or a manager to offer support. It may be that you join a mentoring group so you can raise any difficult issues in a safe space.

This is one of the reasons I include ongoing mentoring with both of my YFCA training programmes. Working with people affected by cancer is hugely rewarding, but there are times when it can be emotionally complicated. Having somewhere to bring those experiences, talk them through with someone who understands the work and hear how other teachers approach similar situations can make a huge difference. It’s important not to feel that you have to deal with everything on your own.

This is why I include ongoing free monthly group coaching and mentoring as part of my Foundation Course and 12 week Holistic Teacher Training Course. It gives a held and private space for teachers to bring any issues and explore them in a safe environment.

Ultimately, I think healthy boundaries as a yoga teacher are not about creating distance or withholding care. They are about making sure that we don't inadvertently take away the student's sense of agency. We can support, guide, encourage and hold space, but our aim should always be to help people discover that they have more resources within themselves than they may have realised.

If you’d like to train with me you can find out more via the links below:

Foundation Course – online self-paced course

YFCA Holistic Teacher Training Course – 12 weeks, live on zoom